I like Star Wars. Or at least I did.

Now I’m not gonna get up on soapbox here and say that George Lucas is a money-grubbing parasite who sucks creativity from his movies like a wolf sucks marrow from a bone, however accurate a description that might be. However, when faced with the news that George Lucas is now re-re-re-releasing the Star Wars movies there is only one response.

NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! N-O!

Now Star Wars has never been well written, the original trilogy was competent and more-or-less flowed nicely, but let’s face it the movie was never War and Peace. But then it didn’t need to be, there was a kind of charm and naiveté to the writing and the movie itself which was almost magical and succeeded in drawing the audience in. However, the Prequel trilogy delved into the depths of writing normally inhabited only by twelve year-olds and the criminally incompetent. Surely you’ve noticed this, (and if you haven’t slap yourself and wake up). The flaws of these movies are covered in Red Letter Media’s excellent reviews. Go here to view them: http://www.redlettermedia.com/clones.html .

However, I’m going to ignore most of the flaws and focus on one flaw so massive, so completely unforgiveable as to render the prequel trilogy completely ruined.

The Horror...

Jar Jar Binks, who should be arrested for the brutal murder of Star Wars with a rusty knife into the heart of any kind of love we, the fans, might had for the series.  And now you want to put the prequel trilogy in 3D? Have we not suffered enough? You really want us to see his freakish lizard tongue suck an apple off the table in 3D?

No, I’ve suffered enough. I don’t need to put myself through Jar Jar Binks or any of his goddamn gungan relatives a second time so I can see their blubbery lips flop around in 3D. I’m done.

The Horror...coming to you in 3D! Hide your children.

Well at least the original trilogy is still the same…

NOOOOOOOO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
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Written by John Stevenson

I'm a freelance writer based out of Seattle, Washington.

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