How Cracked.com Saved my Life


So I’ve been going to the gym try and get in shape, well maybe I should say a different shape, as being round is technically a shape. But the last few weeks Ive felt like my lungs were going to burst out of my chest like the xenomorph from Aliens. Everytime im on the elliptical it feels like I cant catch my breath. I was about to go to the doctor, positive they were going to find a horrific tumor in my lungs and I had only months to live. And then I read this:  http://www.cracked.com/article_19121_7-basic-things-you-wont-believe-youre-all-doing-wrong.html

And #5 on that list: Breathing. And it occurred to me that I was indeed breathing all wrong on the Elliptical, and in fact everywhere. See I’m sort of a chubby fellow, okay let’s not beat around the bush I have enough fat around my midriff to successfully play the Abominable Snowman if ever they remade Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer into a live-action film.

And I'm twice as adorable too

So when I go to the gym, or anywhere really, I suck in my stomach like a pigeon during mating season, puffing out my chest to attract the various ladies I encounter. And while I look damn good while I’m doing that, it also means breathing abdominally, as is suggested in the article, isn’t possible with letting my stomach out.

So, at the time, I was a bit skeptical. I mean this is Cracked.com, a website that has perfected the dick-joke into an artform, not a medical journal. But I figured, what did I have to lose, right? So I got on my elliptical and I let my stomach out.

Artist's Rendering

Oh, my god!“Was my first reaction. It was like I was breathing for the first time in years, as if I had been breathing through a straw my entire life and suddenly someone gave me an oxygen mask. It was an exhilarating experience, and I plowed through a sixty minute workout without ever feeling like I was about to pass out.

And that’s how Cracked.com saved my life.

Saved my life, saved me a minor inconvenience, it’s all the same really.  Tomatoe, Tomahto.

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