Star Wars: The Bad Awakens


So the teaser for the newest addition to the Star Wars Franchise is out and…and it’s pretty damn underwhelming. One might even go so far as to say…bad.

Real bad.

So as a teaser this is should be showcasing the best they have to offer so far, and if they looked at this teaser and said “yeah, these of are some of the best parts of the movie so far” then oh boy…we’re all in a lot of trouble.

First of all, it opens on fucking Tatooine, the most boring setting in the entire franchise. A giant fucking desert with absolutely no interesting landmarks. The whole reason it was used in the first film is because it was a visual representation of Luke’s boring, pre-jedi life. In the hero’s journey of Luke’s life, that was the Ordinary World. Yet for some reason, everytime someone makes a Star Wars movie now, it just has to show Tatooine. Enough already.

Tatooine sucks.

My god...it's boring...It's nothing but boring for as far as the eye can see!
My god…it’s boring…boring for as far as the eye can see!

But okay, it cuts from the poor bastard stuck on the Mexico of Star Wars to some more Stormtroopers on a transport. And you know that part looks alright, I’d actually like to see a movie from the perspective of an ordinary Stormtrooper. That’s not what we’re going to get, but still, that’s a good scene. Very atmospheric.

And then we’re back on Tatooine.

God damn it, people! What did I just say!?

And then as if being on Tatooine isn’t bad enough, we’re introduced to the Star Wars equivalent of the Dyson BallVac.

Yes, that is a Droid rolling on a soccer ball while tense, thematic music strums in the background. And this isn't a joke.
Yes, that is a Droid rolling on a soccer ball while tense, thematic music strums in the background.
When Stephen Hawking said real life often comes to mirror Science Fiction... this isn't what he meant.
When Stephen Hawking said real life often comes to mirror Science Fiction… this isn’t what he had in mind.

Then we cut to some X-Wings skimming across the water and I’ll admit, this scene is as impressive as hell. My mouth actually dropped open. It looks like they built real, functioning X-Wings and filmed them flying across the waters of Lake Como. That’s as close to photo-realistic CGI as I’ve ever seen. And just when I’m starting to think that maybe this won’t be such a disaster after all –

This happens.
This happens.

Now I’m not going to go into the impracticality of this design. After all, this is Star Wars, a fictional universe where building giant space-borne death cannons are practically an everyday occurrence and magical space wizards hold flaming sticks of molten energy right next to their faces. I don’t care about practicality. I do care if this looks like the goofy drawings of a 9-year old, which it totally does. I’m pretty sure I drew this exact same thing after I saw the original trilogy for the first time, because that’s how a nine-year-olds brain works.

What would make lightsabers even more awesome? I thought. Attaching even more lightsabers to the lightsaber!

I was hoping the creative minds behind the newest Star Wars movie, their last hope for redeeming a franchise that’s become a parody of itself, would have a bit more imagination and restraint than my nine-year-old self. It also doesn’t help that this scene is accompanied by some of the most hackneyed and overwrought evil dialogue I’ve ever heard.

The Dark side…and the light… – Darth Evil

Really? Why don’t you just throw in some references to those darn kids and their dog while you’re at it. Couldn’t you have at least gotten a voice actor that could pull off that dialogue? Hire back James Earl Jones for god’s sake.

Then, as the conclusion to the pulse-pounding teaser that’s supposed to getting us excited for a new Star Wars movie, they show us the Millenium Falcon.

On Tatooine.

God Damn It! 

Is this whole movie going to take place on the worst place in the fucking galaxy? 

Though I guess I can take solace in the fact that, even 30 years later, Tie Fighter pilots still can't shoot straight.
Though I guess I can take solace in the fact that, even 30 years later, Tie Fighter pilots still can’t shoot straight. Seriously guys, you had one job!

Yeah. I’m thinking we should probably write the whole thing off as awful right now.

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10 thoughts on “Star Wars: The Bad Awakens”

  1. Spot on dude, spot on. I hope someone drop kicks that soccer ball droid right off into the Sarlacc pit. Maybe the Sith Lord would like a turn to punt it since he won’t be able to throw after that Vibro-saber slices through his knuckles.

  2. I don’t really agree with you.
    Yes, Tatooine is boring.
    But X-wings, not on Tatooine, the Sith, not on Tatooine, the Stormtroopers, maybe on Tatooine, but it looks like it’s not a desert planet. (lots of commas there).

    It’s a teaser, and the mood feels right in my opinion. Tatooine may just be the first 10 minutes, as a homage to A new hope and the move on to other planets.

    1. It could be that my subconcious is deliberately finding fault with the trailer just to keep my hopes low and avoid the crushing disappointment that was felt after seeing the prequel trilogy. Don’t get me wrong, I really hope that the new Star Wars is everything we all want it to be. This was just pointing out that nothing in the teaser really pointed to it being anything different than the prequels.

      1. Yeah, keeping your expectations low is probably a good idea.
        I got a feeling of going back to the old films, small subtle things. Like the scratches on the X-wing pilots helmet etc.

        I’ll also be crossing my fingers that it’s good, and trying to keep my excpectations as low as possible.

  3. “So as a teaser this is should be showcasing the best they have to offer so far,”

    Disagree there, a teaser is supposed to generate interest/buzz and make people talk about it. Obviously it worked.

    Also not surprised about Tatooine. What does everyone immediately recognize as Star Wars? Lightsabers. Check. X-Wings. Check. The Falcon. CHECK CHECK CHECK. 😀 And Tatooine is probably the most well known planet/location. Not surprised that any of that stuff is in there.
    The negative thing about that, for me, is that they obviously lacked the courage to try something – ANYTHING new. They only repeat elements that have worked in the past.
    I expect pretty much a reboot – without the effort of rebooting it. Only fitting that they even got the director who already did something very similar with Star Trek.

    1. Like I told another reader, I might be being overly critical as a defense mechanism. That way if the movie ends up being shit, I didn’t go in with my hopes up. I agree though, nothing new was presented. So yeah, probably another soulless reboot like Star Trek.

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