We don’t get to see you much here in Washington State, and you know what? That’s okay with us. We’ve lived under a constant blanket of grey clouds for a long, long time. So why don’t you just disappear behind the clouds again, eh?
Okay you rotten bastard, you want to do this? You want to do this right here and now? Fine.
You’re making life miserable down here and it’s really starting to piss me off. Oh sure, you can point out that you’re the only reason life even exists on this planet and that the extreme heat has more to do with the Earth wobbling like a top through space, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s too damn hot to get caught up in the minutia of sciency technicalities. So listen here you bloated, over-sized ball of nuclear fire: knock it off.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to write when it’s so hot that even your eyeballs are sweating? Or when you’ve sweated into the keyboard so much that they keys have literally floated away? Well I do: it’s damn hard.
I’ve got work to do down here and you’re not making it any easier. I’ve got blog posts about Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis to write, more posts on the importance of Characters and Plot, and a new website to update! Oh, not to mention my attempts at losing weight. I was exercising three times a week before you decided to get all up in our faces with your heat emissions! Now it feels like a chore just moving from room to heat-choked room. Why don’t you just come down here and stuff some Oreos in my mouth while you’re at it!
Look you’ll get your chance at destroying all life on Earth when you move into your super-giant phase and consume everything from Mercury to Mars as you transition to a Red Giant. There’s no need to rush. So do whatever you need to do, spit out a solar flare, get a sun spot, go pick on Pluto and tell him how he’s still not a planet, whatever. I don’t care. Just knock it off or I swear you’ll regret the day you coalesced into a star from the expansive nebular gases that spawned you!
Sincerely (and threateningly),
John of Planet Earth
P.S. Thanks for making life on Earth possible…I guess.
P.P.S. But seriously, knock it off.