An Open Letter to the Sun

Hey Sun, We don’t get to see you much here in Washington State, and you know what? That’s okay with us. We’ve lived under a constant blanket of grey clouds for a long, long time. So why don’t you just disappear behind the clouds again, eh? Go on. Please? Pretty Please? … Okay you rotten…

John Stevenson

August 15, 2012

2–3 minutes

Hey Sun,

We don’t get to see you much here in Washington State, and you know what? That’s okay with us. We’ve lived under a constant blanket of grey clouds for a long, long time. So why don’t you just disappear behind the clouds again, eh?

Go on.

Please?

Pretty Please?

…

Okay you rotten bastard, you want to do this? You want to do this right here and now? Fine.

You’re making life miserable down here and it’s really starting to piss me off. Oh sure, you can point out that you’re the only reason life even exists on this planet and that the extreme heat has more to do with the Earth wobbling like a top through space, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s too damn hot to get caught up in the minutia of sciency technicalities. So listen here you bloated, over-sized ball of nuclear fire: knock it off.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to write when it’s so hot that even your eyeballs are sweating? Or when you’ve sweated into the keyboard so much that they keys have literally floated away? Well I do: it’s damn hard.

I’ve got work to do down here and you’re not making it any easier. I’ve got blog posts about Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis to write, more posts on the importance of Characters and Plot, and a new website to update! Oh, not to mention my attempts at losing weight. I was exercising three times a week before you decided to get all up in our faces with your heat emissions! Now it feels like a chore just moving from room to heat-choked room. Why don’t you just come down here and stuff some Oreos in my mouth while you’re at it!

Look you’ll get your chance at destroying all life on Earth when you move into your super-giant phase and consume everything from Mercury to Mars as you transition to a Red Giant. There’s no need to rush. So do whatever you need to do, spit out a solar flare, get a sun spot, go pick on Pluto and tell him how he’s still not a planet, whatever. I don’t care. Just knock it off or I swear you’ll regret the day you coalesced into a star from the expansive nebular gases that spawned you!

Sincerely (and threateningly),

John of Planet Earth

P.S. Thanks for making life on Earth possible…I guess.

P.P.S. But seriously, knock it off.

5 responses to “An Open Letter to the Sun”

Lang Andreas

August 16, 2012 at 3:48 am

Awesome! xD
At the moment, here in bavaria we have this merciful layer of clouds, experienced some cooliing showers, and are protected from suns heat blasts ^^
But i think, theres still more to come from her this summer…weather prophets say we gonna reach a new heat record in germany since 1983 (40.3 degrees celsius) with temperatures eventually rising up to the point of 42 degrees celsius (i hope im writing the temperatures right, if not, plz correct me xD)

Im really in tense what you are going to come up with about Stargate the next days!!! 😀 I was and i am pretty much of a fan of it 😀 one day i have to finish the series, im still stuck at staff 7 or so i think. Good luck in the (future) Desert state of washington 😀

Reply
1. jmstevenson
  
  August 16, 2012 at 9:35 pm
  
  I also enjoyed Stargate SG-1. Stargate Atlantis was just sort of okay, and honestly I didn’t even bother with SG-U since it was cancelled after two seasons. I think you’ll enjoy the SG-1 review though! Depending on how bad the sun’s infernal heat gets, it should be up either Saturday or Sunday. Unless it gets to 90 Fahrenheit, at which point I will probably just wither up and blow away like a vampire exposed to sunlight. You know, the awesome vampires, not those pansies that glitter :P.
  
  Honestly I have no idea whether your Celsius temperatures are correct or not. I don’t know why we still use Fahrenheit, what’s easier to remember: 32 for freezing and 128 for boiling or 0 for freezing and 100 for boiling. Yeah, Celsius is so much easier to work with.
  
  Just don’t ask me to convert it into F because I haven’t the faintest idea. Math wasn’t my strong suit.
  
  Reply
Mayo

August 16, 2012 at 10:01 am

Come on John, it’s not that it’s too hot here. It’s just that we don’t know what air conditioners are because we never need them. I was thinking of driving east of the mountains just to find some and avoid our lovely layer of smog. Kennewick is lovely this time of year.

Reply
1. jmstevenson
  
  August 16, 2012 at 9:22 pm
  
  Get out of here with your filthy lies and sun-loving propaganda! It’s too hot and it’s all the Sun’s fault! 😛
  
  Reply
2. Chapomon
  
  August 17, 2012 at 5:27 pm
  
  Air conditioners make life possible here in Phoenix Arizona.
  
  Reply